All The Good Ones Aren’t Taken: A Letter to Single Ladies

All The Single Ladies

“All the good ones are taken.” If you’re a single gal, or you’ve ever been a single gal, you’ve either A) said this yourself, or B) heard another single gal say it, and nodded your head in agreement. (Maybe even adding a sassy little “Mmm-Hmm.”)

Well, it’s not true. And? It’s offensive.

All The Single Fellas

I, personally, know of several upstanding, successful guys, who have been single for at least a year, minimum. Why? Because they’re waiting for the “right” lady to come along, and aren’t interested in dating, just for the sport of it. You heard me right: they are not looking for a hookup. They are looking for the real-deal. “Single, mature young men, without commitment issues? Openly looking for a long-term relationship?” They are not unicorns, ladies; they are real, and when you hear what they have to say, maybe you’ll think twice about all of that “all the good ones are taken” business. (Before I go too far, what I have to say is aimed at Christian young women, but regardless of your spiritual beliefs, the struggle I’ve described is universal, and is worth some consideration.)

Let me share with you something that a male reader recently wrote me, in regards to 50 Shades of Grey and Magic Mike (don’t worry, I have his permission to post this quote):

It is hard enough being expected to be a respectful, godly, and upstanding man on one hand, and seeing the women that we are interested in often fall for the exact opposite of what they say they want. But it is completely maddening to see women fall for the same type of cheap objectification and destructive appeals to venal human nature that men have been plagued by for generations, and to have that celebrated as progress rather than being viewed for what it truly is: degrading for both the producer and the consumer.

Hindsight is 20-20

When I read this, I got so frustrated, not because it’s not true, but because I see it happening all around me. I WAS one of those girls, falling for the exact opposite of what I said I wanted. Honestly, his comment was simultaneously a slap-in-the-face, and a push forward. Immediately I was confronted with visions of my past-self, and I figure that two or three of you out there might be able to relate, so allow me to get real vulnerable, real fast.

Facing visions of my past-self is always difficult. It’s getting easier, but I can’t help but hurt for young-me. How many times had I compromised myself in an attempt to win the affection of someone that was totally undeserving? How many times had I turned my back on what I knew was right, just because I wanted some cute guy to think I was cool? How many times had I made myself ultimately vulnerable to a guy who I knew wasn’t interested in me in a “real” way? (All the while griping about how “all the good ones are taken.”) Looking back on it, I see that I was looking to other people to define my value, rather than knowing my value, and standing firm on it. In retrospect, I thank God that he didn’t introduce me to my husband in that season of my life, because I hadn’t even become myself yet. I feel like God was waiting for me to get my act together before he’d deliver me a “good one.”

A Disposable Heart

If you allow an unworthy guy to define your value, do you know what your value will be? Zero. Nothing. Less than nothing. Disposable. And that’s exactly how I felt. And when you allow yourself to be treated as if you’re disposable, you begin to believe that you are disposable, so that when you do cross-paths with a really amazing, godly guy, you will not feel worthy of his affection. Not only that, but I’m convinced guys have a sixth-sense about this kind of thing; they can “smell” when a girl doesn’t value herself, and generally, they keep their distance. Like I said, the “good ones” are looking for the real-deal. Are you preparing yourself for that, or are you caught-up in pursuing guys who will ultimately treat you like you’re disposable? When you meet a “good one,” will he see a girl who knows her value and stands firm on it, or will he see a girl exhausted from chasing down the shadows of her self-worth?

(Some quick questions: If you are identifying with me at all right now: do you see the extent to which this cycle is damaging your ability to begin and maintain new, lasting relationships? Are you ready to dramatically shift your way of thinking? What will it take for you to be ready?)

Maybe all of the “good ones” aren’t taken. Maybe you’re blind to them, because you’re involved with a bad crowd. Or maybe they’re blind to you, because they’re looking for a girl with maturity and self-respect, and a solid foundation.

I know these might sound like harsh words, but here’s the thing: I know how you feel, because I have been there. Maybe I’m subconsciously writing this to my past-self, because the fact of the matter is that no one in my life was telling me the truth about this kind of stuff. (Even some distant stranger’s voice from across the Internet would have been better than nothing.) So I figured it out on my own, and was completely obliterated along the way, and eventually came back to square one: where, and what is my identity?

Living In The Tension

Before we get there, let’s address a very real tension that exists for women: from day one, many (most?) of us feel “less than,” as compared to women in the media. Many of us had fathers who openly lusted after women that the culture deemed worthy (or our fathers flat-out abandoned us), and though that’s not the only cause, it’s one reason why many women feel that they NEED to be more like women “of the world” than women of God. We’ve seen our fathers, step-fathers, church leaders, political officials, etc live in a way that says they place more value on “worldly women” than godly women. And over time it has caused many of us to harden our hearts, and choose to live in a way that says “Oh yeah? Well two can play at this game.” (Therapist-types call this “acting out.”)

Whose Am I?

No matter how hard you push back, nothing you do will ever undo anything that has happened to you. It won’t bring your father back; it won’t restore your trust in men. All “acting out” does do is move you further and further away from the truth, and build massive walls around your heart. It prevents you from healing, from growing up, and from moving forward. What’s left, after all of this trauma and subsequent acting-out, is a population of young women who have very little of their identity rooted in God, and most of it rooted in their worldly value.

Reversing this cycle of brokenness, claiming your identity in God, and discovering your real value takes time. But just in case you’re thinking you can cut corners and “fix it” as soon as you meet Mr. Right, let me prepare you: I’ve seen it happen so many times (I’m one of them) where a “worldly” Christian girl meets a godly guy, and changes her tune SO FAST. Suddenly she believes in modesty, purity, the whole shebang. The problem is that she is doing it to win a man’s heart, and once that has happened, she no longer has an identity. She has abandoned her worldly ways (which often means severing ties with poisonous friends), but has no identity in God; usually the relationship fails because she gets drawn back into “the world,” and the guy leaves, or she puts her identity in the relationship, and that scares the guy away. Then he leaves, she feels betrayed by (yet another) man, and the cycle repeats itself.

This cycle might be the greatest tragedy facing the young women of my generation, and the next generation, and it breaks my heart.

And lest I forget to mention them: I do know that there are young women out there who do have their identity firmly rooted in the love of God their father, alone. They are beautiful in their security, and they are choosing not to approach dating as a sport. They are serving God with their time and talent, thereby blessing their future husband and future family with a life spent in truth and light. And what an example they are to those around them!

Decisions, and Moving Forward

It is never too late to choose to begin making right decisions, and there is no shame in recognizing your mistakes, turning your back on them, and starting fresh. And depending on what, exactly, you’ve been through, I highly recommend seeing a therapist*. Most insurance plans have coverage for therapy, and it will cost you a minimal amount of money.

I would love to see a real call-to-action for change in this regard. I have this vision of fathers who have blown-it coming forward and confessing to God, and then to their daughters, and of daughters choosing forgiveness and allowing God to soften their hearts, and confessing themselves to their Father in heaven. It’s beautiful, but I’m not sure it’s realistic. It’d be amazing if we all reconciled with our fathers, but in real-life we often have to choose forgiveness, even if the other person hasn’t seen their error. Even if the other person isn’t apologetic. And it’s hard, but it’s worth it.

Does any of this resonate with you, or am I just shouting into the wind, here? Though I wouldn’t wish anyone to go through the kind of junk I put myself through in my late teens/early 20s, I think one of the reasons it all happened is so that I can share my experiences with others, for their benefit. From that perspective, I’m very happy everything happened as it did, and I hope you were able to glean something from my experiences.

As always, feel free to say whatever you want in the comments below. 🙂

xoxo,

mj

PS- Well after posting this, I was brushing my teeth and remembered this verse in Proverbs 31 (sorry to trot out Proverbs 31 :/). It’s verses 11 and 12: “Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” (Emphasis mine.) For some reason I never understood that ALL means ALL. That means she brings her husband good and not harm before she ever meets him. So simple, but so profound. 🙂

*A quick note on therapy: Therapy was able to provide me with the tools I needed to understand what I had been through, and cope with it on an intellectual level. I couldn’t have healed if not for therapy. But even after therapy, my heart still didn’t feel right. I was bitter, and cynical, and couldn’t seem to forgive. Therapy was only one big piece of the puzzle, but the other piece was God. God was able (and continues) to restore and revive my heart. He has, as the cliché goes “created beauty from ashes.” I could not be the person, wife and mother that I am today if not for the work God did in my heart, and the work he continues to do in my heart. (I put it in bold because I am that serious.)

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Let’s be friends!

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Dating and Business

So I often do the Internetty part of my job from a coffee shop that I adore (Sally Loo’s in San Luis Obispo, by the train station. Go to there. It’s the bombest.), and typically it’s filled with young women chatting in small groups. No joke, every time I’m there, I overhear a conversation about a recent date/crush encounter, and often, the story ends sadly. I simultaneously want to hug them and tell them that they’ll probably not even remember that loser’s name in five years, while thanking my blessed stars that I’m not in the dating pool anymore.

I’ll be honest: I’ve had some awesome dating experiences. Based on smallish sampling of guys that I let take me on dates, there are a lot of interesting, handsome, thoughtful, hard-working, gentlemanly fellas out there. A lot of mamas have raised their boys rights.

BUT. I have also had some miserable dating experiences. I’m sure I don’t need to give you details, because you’ve all seen a romantic comedy before. I remember thinking, after some dates, that all men are dogs, and that I’d be better off being single forever.

That all being said, for the good and the bad of dating, I am so happy to be happily married. I do not envy the dating crowd. I want to tell all these love-sick girls at Sally Loo’s that it will be okay. You will get over it. Everything will work out exactly the way it should.

———————————–Another thought entirely———————————–

Part of my job is keeping my eyes peeled for people and organizations to collaborate with in a manner that is mutually beneficial. Inviting someone to collaborate on a project is SO MUCH like asking someone on a date, or wanting to be asked on a date. There are the people who passive-agressively hint that they might be interested in collaborating on “something” “sometime,” and then there’s me, who’s all “hey, we should get together and do a video!”

Some people are too cool for school. I am not one of them.

If I’m into your work, or I love your company’s mission, I will tell you. Probably over and over again. I’m over-eager. I’ve found this to be just as off-putting in a business relationship as it was when I was dating, unless I’m dealing with a woman. Women (GENERALLY) love to be excited for each other. I can’t speak for everyone, but when I meet a new friend and we immediately “click,” I’m all up on my phone, texting my husband “I met a new friend and she is TOTALLY AWESOME!” And when a girlfriend of mine has some good news, I love sharing it with them. What’s more fun that celebrating something together? (This by the way, is why I agreed to join my “Summer of 7” blogging group. None of my So7 sisters are afraid of being “too excited” by our project, or about each other. It’s so. totally. rad.)

Anyway, in that way, collaborating with men, or rather, inviting men to collaborate, reminds me so much of what I didn’t like about dating. Can’t seem too eager. Can’t seem too excited. Can’t seem to be too into the project. Like, I want to work with you, but you know, whatever, no rush or anything.

HOW LAME.

Let’s be excited for a new partnership! Let’s talk about how we can help each other out! Let’s DO A THING rather than talking about “maybe doing a thing together sometime.”

I’m not looking for a collaborative partnership in which we stay up all night braiding each other’s hair, and make-up skits about the mean girls at school, but I am looking for one in which we give each other permission to be into it, you know? Permission to be excited.

SO. If you wanna do a thing together sometime, maybe tweet at me or something. Whatever. No pressure.
OR, if you wanna get together and hash out how we can talk each other’s work up, and introduce our audiences to each other’s awesomeness, let’s go get coffee, like, right now! Can’t wait!
xoxo, mj

Hurt People Hurt People: Healing the Hurting While Protecting Yourself

Heart Ballons

Thought this image really represented the idea of releasing a situation out of love.

“Hurt people hurt people.” (As in, people who have been hurt generally end up hurting others.) I’ve heard this expression I don’t know how many times, and every time it comes to mind, I’m reminded of another pattern of behavior I see in people. Let’s say you’re walking though, I dunno, the food-court at the mall, and you notice a piece of trash on the ground, laying right in your path. The way I see it, there are two types of people: those that pick up the trash and toss it in the nearest garbage can, and those that pass the garbage by, leaving it for someone else to pick it up. (I promise I’m getting somewhere with this.)

So if we agree that, generally, hurt people hurt people, and that their behavior is rooted in their own emotional wounds, my question naturally becomes, how do we help hurt people? (Both to help them heal and to prevent the cycle from repeating itself.) Well, for starters, rather than stepping over other people’s garbage and letting someone else take responsibility for it, we should take the extra time and effort to pick it up and throw it away, thereby making the food-court a happier, cleaner place for everyone to enjoy. No questions asked, and no hard feelings one way or the other. Just doing your civic duty. More directly: when someone hurts you (verbally/emotionally) the best way to help the person that hurt you is not to just ignore the offense and silently hold a grudge, or to pretend the offense never happened. Neither of those options help heal the offender, and in fact, can be seen as a passive-agressive way of condoning hurtful behavior. Making the effort to aid in the healing of that person could enrich their life, and prepare them to be a healthier contributor for future relationships. They could be one less hurt-person going around hurting other people.

So what do you do? I’m not saying this is perfect, but here’s what works for me:

  1. Grieve the offense. And by that I mean allowing yourself the grace to know that however the offense made you feel, that your reaction is perfectly okay, and totally normal. Feeling hurt is okay, and rather than trying to push it down and remain unaffected, give your emotions freedom to exist. Soon enough all of the really strong, volatile feelings will ebb, and you’ll be able to think a little more clearly about the situation. Don’t try and fix the situation while you’re still feeling passionately about it.
  2. Forgive. Often, this takes time. Giving yourself the time to grieve will go a long way in allowing your heart to be open to forgiveness. But here’s the thing about real forgiveness: Your forgiveness cannot be conditional on the offender’s willingness to make amends. Forgiveness is not a two-way street. It’s not a trade. You choose to forgive the offender, and they owe you nothing for it. I’ve often heard it put this way: “Forgiving someone doesn’t “let them off the hook,” but it lets them off of YOUR hook.”” I’ve always liked that.
  3. Define why the offense was wrong, and establish boundaries. This is where you look at the situation, and figure out why, specifically, the offense was so hurtful. This can only happen honestly, and without spite, if you’ve forgiven the person. Remember: when I began, my question was “If hurt people hurt people, how do we help hurt people?” It’s important that you can explain how the other person’s words/actions affected you. For example, “I’ve always trusted you as one of my closest friends, but when you lied and spread rumors about me, it completely broke my heart. I love you, but what you said about me isn’t true, and until this is repaired, I can’t trust you the way I used to.” It’s important that the offender knows that you will not allow them to continue hurting you. That their actions have real, measurable consequences.
  4. Release the situation. Once you’ve forgiven and addressed the offense and its effects, that’s the end of it. The offender doesn’t “owe it to you” to apologize, or repair the damage done (though that’s obviously the preferred outcome), and if you’ve truly forgiven, you won’t feel like you’re owed anything. But on the flip-side, you don’t owe it to the offender to allow yourself to continue being hurt by that person. If the offender chooses not to do their part in healing themselves, it is your responsibility to take care of yourself and remove yourself from the situation.

I probably felt motivated to write this out because while I’m happy to pick up litter even when it’s not my own, in relationships, for most of my life, I was the the type who allowed herself to be hurt over and over and over again, because I was too afraid to upset the offender to risk pushing for healing. I always felt like, since I’m strong-willed enough to take it, I should stick around because obviously this person needs me in their life. But along the way I’ve learned that I can’t sacrifice my emotional health so that someone else doesn’t have to bear the responsibility of their behavior. By bearing the brunt of this person’s hurtful behavior, all I was doing was enabling that person to continue hurting others without having the opportunity to realize that their actions have consequences.

And here’s the thing about all of that, and the consequences of aiding in another person’s healing process: usually it stings (like when you clean a scrape with an alcohol swab), and the hurting person will likely recoil. You might lose that relationship. But that’s okay, because the healing needs to happen, regardless of whether or not you’ll be around to see its eventuality. Another thing I’ve learned is how important it is for each of us to do our part, regardless of whether or not we get to see the healing through to its end. We must understand that, even with the relationships we value the most, we might just be one small brick in the path to that person’s restoration, and never actually see the person fully restored and emotionally healthy. And while that’s especially hard for me to reconcile, I realize that it’s not about me, it’s about what’s best for the hurting person, and I’ve just got to acknowledge that no matter how badly I want to play a leading role in their healing, I might just be a teeny-tiny bit-part, and I need to be happy to do the very best I can with that.

Someday, when I feel up to it, I’ll talk more about this again. But until then: have you ever had to have a tough conversation in order to help heal a friend or family member? How’d it work out for them? Did you ever see them come around?

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